How To Improve Your Sex Life
Written by Lovehoney Ambassador and Psycho Sexologist, Chantelle Otten
When it comes to sex advice, there are many tips and tricks available for better sex – from trying new positions or a sex game, getting more exercise practising mindful meditation and eating ginger. After all, why just have good sex when you can have great sex? But there is one simple change everyone can make that can improve your sex life – and that’s reframing your mindset around the goal of sex.
Let’s face it – we all want to be having amazing sex - the kind that leaves us feeling satisfied, empowered, and confident in the bedroom. But does that satisfaction just come from orgasms or something else? Is it more about the pleasure and sensation we feel throughout our sexual experience, and the tender moments that follow?
Many of us focus so much on getting to the big O (and yes, there is no denying that it’s amazing) and how to be good at sex that we forget to enjoy everything that comes before (and after!). By changing our mindset and removing Orgasm as the goal of sex, we can actually find that we’re enjoying sex a whole lot more. I like to think of sex being about the journey, not the destination.
Instead, shift your mindset to focus on pleasure. What is it that feels good? What do you and your partner enjoy? What makes you want to come back for more? How can you live in the moment without worrying about reaching a climax?
Being sexual with someone should mean we are focusing on pleasure. This means, how we can give pleasure to our partner and how we can receive pleasure. The focus should not be on getting the penis inside the vagina as soon as possible and both racing towards orgasm as fast as we can.
Why Orgasm’s Aren’t The Be All & End All
For anyone that is lucky enough to have experienced orgasm, there is no denying that they feel fantastic, but that’s just one very small part of enjoyable sex. It’s the full experience that really brings us enjoyment.
By removing the focus on orgasm, we can remove a lot of stress and pressure for all parties in your sexual experience. Many people feel pressure to perform and give their partner an orgasm – like sex is only sex if it finishes with a bang. And then there is also pressure on the receiving partner to have an orgasm – If I don’t orgasm, my partner will think I didn’t enjoy it. However, not everyone can achieve orgasm – a 2019 study by Lovehoney found that 20% of people do not regularly achieve orgasm, and 5% never have.
Removing the goal of climax also helps us to get out of our heads during sex and be more present at the moment. It means we can clear our headspace to think more about enjoyment for both ourselves and our partner. It can also allow us to be more experimental – if we’re just thinking about enjoying ourselves, we’re more likely to be open to trying new things that we might previously have been too nervous to try when thinking about how to improve our sex life.
Create New Goals
Now we're focusing more on pleasure and ready to have some amazing sex, where do we start?
My go-to would be to create some goals we want to achieve sexually - pinpoint what you’re craving, what you fantasise about or are wanting the most, as all those things can start creating a very exciting to-do list.
This list might even inspire you to think bigger and broader, not just about what you miss doing, but about things you haven't done that you've always wanted to. Give yourself permission to dream BIG – we need to be aiming for great sex, so get creative. There are so many ways we can incorporate fantasy into real life, from lingerie and sex toy kits to erotic literature and games to get you in the mood.
Giving & Receiving Pleasure
Being sexual with someone should mean we are focusing on pleasure. This is all about how we can give and receive pleasure. This is everything that falls under the sexual umbrella - the kissing, the touching, the mouth, and hand play.
I think it's important to remember that outercourse (or non-penetrative play) is incredibly important for arousal and intimacy. It allows you to ignite your senses and become sensitive to touch, smell and sound. It also helps you tap into your body, your mind, and the eroticism around what’s about to happen.
To reap all these benefits, and ultimately have better sex, I would suggest adding more non-penetrative play and exploring different erogenous zones - those super-sensitive sweet spots that beg to be stroked, teased, and touched. How? You can do this in several ways, such as trying a new toy, practising your dirty talk, or engaging in some role play.
As well as exploring partnered pleasure, I also suggest practising some self-love and exploration. In fact, this is a great way to start. By understanding your own body and what it is you enjoy, you can work with your partner and bring the confidence and empowerment you have learnt by yourself into better sex with them.
Sexual Aftercare
Aftercare is just as important when it comes to sex as sex itself. We often feel on a high after consensual sexual activity and in a state of bliss, and it can be quite easy to say, ‘that was great’ and carry on with your day or roll over and go to sleep. But many of us actually have a range of needs after sex that needs to be met, otherwise we are in danger of feeling negative, sad emotions, known as Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD). There are a host of aftercare techniques that can help to fulfil this need, such as chatting in bed after sex, snuggling up together or enjoying some time with each other by watching Netflix.
The answer to the question of how to improve your sex life is not the same for everyone, so take your time and find out what works for you and your partner. Communication is key. If you’re interested in sex toys and need more help and advice, I suggest browsing through the Lovehoney website and blog.
